“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.” Isaiah 43: 1-3
November 2015 – I’ve had it with my anxiety. I’ve had it with my fear. I’ve had it with my fleeting, unstable heart. Do people think I really have a choice with my depression and anxiety? Do people think I wake up in the morning and decide to feel the horrid effects that rage on in my heart and mind? Seriously?
I don’t believe that I’m weak. I don’t negotiate with my mind on what’s right and wrong. I battle with myself on a daily basis. I recognize that, in order to stay alive, I have to wage war on my emotions. I have to wage war on my “fight or flight” tendencies. I have to lay all of myself down at the cross every single day. Otherwise, I find myself curled up in a ball, shaking, and crying over the terrifying feeling I experience.
This isn’t something I would actively choose. Yes, I fully believe my decisions ultimately put me in this spot. I recognize my mistakes and I know there are consequences. Even though that may be true I just want my innocence back. Isn’t that what anybody who’s ever lost something wants? That’s all I want. My innocence.
I want to be able to love freely without facing crippling fear and constant doubt. I want to be able to assume the best out of people and forgive easily when they don’t meet those expectations. Unfortunately, that’s not how things are right now. Wanna know why? Because I gave up my innocence when I decided that hatred and anger, my false comforters and isolation were my best options.
Can I tell you I was wrong? Now, because of my childish decision-making, I not only wage war on myself. I hate what I was. I hate what I let myself become. I hate I’m this way now. If only I had been smarter…Maybe I wouldn’t have ended up like this. Maybe I would be able to enter into relationship with people and actually be normal. Instead, I have to battle myself over the smallest, most obsolete things.
Look, believe me when I say I wouldn’t be who I am, where I am, or with the compassion I have for depressed people if I hadn’t done those dumb things. I get it. Most days I find hope in that my struggle will hopefully help someone else. Days like today though, make me want to go back and beat the common sense into my foolish brain. Want to know what I hate most about my battle? It’s my fault. I want my innocence back…
I wrote these words almost 2 years ago while working on my Giant of Fear, Anxiety and Depression. Though it would be nice to say I’m cured, much like the words of the song “Unfinished” by Mandisa, He’s still working on me. I, like you, am a work in progress. So take heart and try not to be afraid because God’s got your back. Seek the help that He can provide for you. Be real…with Him, with others, with yourself. There’s no need to “Pose” for God, because He already knows you inside and out, warts and all, and loves you just the same. And you know what?…so do I.
Grace and Peace,
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