Birthdays, anniversaries and holidays are sometimes more difficult than death anniversaries. Usually on someone’s birthday, you are reminded that the person you love is alive and well. It stings when you are reminded that you can’t celebrate with them and they are no longer here.
Friday, my mother would have turned 59. I always thought my mom would out live me. She would always say, “I don’t know what you are going to do without me”. Then I would say, “It doesn’t matter b/c you will live forever”. She didn’t. I lost my mom when she was only 51 years old. I had just had Carter 8 ½ months earlier.
Today, I would like to write a letter to my mom. This letter is like my gift to you for her. I want it to show you that it’s okay to be vulnerable sometimes.
July 18, 2017
Mom, it’s your Birthday!
This is my seventh year celebrating without you. It is different not having you here — but that is not going to stop me from celebrating your day. I wish you were here, but I know the celebration you are having with Jesus is far better than any party I could have for you here. I have peace knowing you are well taken care of. I want you to know that I am being well taken care of too.
It really sucks that you aren’t here. Sometimes I can feel every bit of pain that comes with it and sometimes I feel nothing at all, I go numb. Sometimes that feeling is more crippling than others, I guess. A big part of me died that same day back in March of 2010.
There are things I want to share with you so badly. So much has happened over the years. I just want to tell you about all of them. I still catch myself picking up the phone to call you; I wish Heaven had a telephone so I could still talk to you.
Carter and I have this thing that when we find a penny we say “MiMi is letting us know she’s here”. We got that from a magnet you had on the fridge, someone had given it to you when dad passed away. It’s now on our fridge and it reminds me of how much you loved me. That love carries on even though you are not here. It’s not fair that I don’t have you anymore.
The biggest lesson I learned is that I can do it without you. That doesn’t make it hurt any less and it sure doesn’t make it any easier, but I am strong enough to go through this life without you. I have doubted myself so much for so long. But, you and God have taught me to believe in myself. That’s what I am going to begin doing.
I wish I could celebrate this birthday with you. I love you and I miss you. Friday is about you—celebrating who you were. You were the best mom a girl could have and my best friend. I will remember all the things you did and the person you were today and every day. Happy Birthday, mom.
Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”
MON-FRI 1P-3P, SUN 6A-10A